Friday, December 25, 2009

Another Update, I guess.

So it’s X-mas, I’m too lazy to type Christmas all the time. So far the divorce is going, well good. Since I’ve cut her out completely I haven’t really thought about her, been too busy. I guess that’s life never stopping. Been working on my truck, will get some pics when I get it done, I hope. Good news it is above freezing, bad news is I have a puddle of ice water under the truck about three inches deep.

I have a second interview Monday. It is for a very part time job, but is better than nothing. And nothing is all that is hiring here. So anything is better than nothing.

Household repairs are coming along slowly. I fixed part of the bathroom floor, got another section to replace, and have to build or get some new shelves. That may take a bit.

Tomorrow I am going to try and work on my truck some more. Really it needs some air in the tires, and the gas tank installed. Everything after that is me playing I think. Not necessary but little jobs I want to do, like the inside door panels, wiring a radio, and hooking up some electrical stuff.

So job and car coming along nicely I think. Not bad for just starting the second week, and dealing with the holidays. Also maintaining a personal life sort of.

I’ve been talking with a younger woman, like 7 or 8 years younger than myself on the phone. She seems sweet, and I enjoy talking with her. We haven’t met yet, but are talking about it soon. I’m not rushing anything, and have no expectations.

So I’ve been busy. I have got to do a little hunting, and got nothing yet.

I really helped myself by realizing, it wasn’t my choice for it to be over. A while back I was thinking, about how I was treated, with her cheating on me and such. I justified her actions, thinking it was me. But she hurt me, and she knew it was going to hurt me. It happened before. She cheated, well not technically according to her, when she broke up with me years ago she spent that very weekend with another man to whom she had been talking. So I’ve went through heart ache twice, I always let her justify it. But I wouldn’t do that to her, I want someone who will be as dedicated to me as I am to them. So she can’t fulfill that, she didn’t and doesn’t care.

So by thinking over everything, she doesn’t deserve me. I don’t want a history of her changing lovers when she gets bored with them looming over me. That and our dogs were like our children. Honestly, and she just gave them up. She gave up our kids. She gave them up because she couldn’t take care of them and have her relationship.

How can I be with someone that could give up their dogs, whom we have loved for almost 6 years? I can’t. She just gave it all up. Perhaps it was time for her to be selfish . . . no I can’t justify it, it was wrong. I wasn’t perfect, I admit that, but it takes two to make a relationship to work. She gave up; I deserve someone that won’t give up in the hard times.

But I rant. Thinking about things has really helped. That and staying busy. I was surprised the other day when I realized how long it had been since I thought about her. I think about my dogs and hope they are in great new homes, I think about my house I miss, but not her.

Things are getting better. I have new goals, budding independence on a new level, and my own life. I’m thinking of stopping smoking, but not until after the first of the year. That will be another battle. Right now I’m just hoping for a good night’s sleep, and a productive day.

I’m doing it. If I can, you can, anyone can. Thinking about it from a third part perspective can help.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


So I’ve been here almost a week now, in Muscatine at my mother’s house. So far I’ve gotten unpacked sort of, my clothes must stay in bags. But everything else is done. The room is cleaned out enough to sleep in.
The starter was acting up on my car the day I left, but I got that fixed. Since then my car has been sitting. I’ve been working on the bronco. Haven’t got a real lot done, too cold and windy, but it needs done soon.
Tomorrow I have to put insurance on it regardless. I am going to redo the exhaust that will either be a horrible project or easy as pie. I have a piece of pipe and cherry bomb, but if it doesn’t fit it will be a pain.
I have an interview Thursday. Only a part time job, but it will be enough to pay my insurance and keep gas in the tank. Also once I get trained I will be able to pick up new accounts at the job.
So I have a job prospect, and the truck is getting finished. Once I get a car and job I will feel a lot better. Then I will have back some independence.
I have someone that seems interested in a date. I’m afraid being busy and not able to make time for her will drive her off. The past two times we were going to meet it snowed and tomorrow, it is snowing again and we were talking about a movie. She is a little young I have no expectations, but it’d be nice to hang out with non-family.
But things could be coming together slowly. I’m moving on, and every day is easier. After this short amount of time I feel pretty good, just imagine what the next few weeks bring.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dealing with my divorce

So life has changed. My wife has left me. Well we left each other. I took my stuff, tools and clothes, and left. She is up there. She found someone else. I guess I didn’t show my love enough. And it got to the point she wanted more affection, and found it. So we talked about sharing the house for a while, but I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t be there making her miserable, I want her to be happy, and me to be happy, that means one of us had to go.
I moved out. I came to my moms. Wow a big change, over an hour away in a town half the size. Left my home, to my old home. But things are different now. I’m not the same, I was a lazy teen last time I was here, and I can’t fall back into that. I need to keep my life going; I need to keep life happening.
So what do I need to do? Well my car, isn’t the best winter driver, and the starter is weak. So it may sit for the winter. I have a bronco that needs a little work. A break line, a gas tank, and then it will be ready to go. However it isn’t going anywhere without a job. The gas is going to kill me.
That gives me a vehicle, and next I can get the nova ready for spring time. So finding a job and the car is number one, or two.
I guess number one is moving in. I have bags all over my mom’s living room and in my car. The room I am moving into in has old carpet, drywall, inches of dust, and a broken window, it’s cold by the way. My mom’s house is condemnable. I have to help her out and catch her house work up and see what we can do from there.
So the living situation is little less than I’m used to. But it is a good motivator to stay busy. But I have to clean the room, 6 hours in and I’m about half way down. Going to finish it tonight.
But that’s my cluster f& of plans. Truck running, job, and moved in.
Ultimately I’m going to progress with my life, work, save, and live. I’m saving for land; I’m tired of being the one that has to leave, so I want my own land, my own place. I don’t care if I have to pull a trailer on the land while I build a house for a while.
Once I get those three things done (I’m working, with reliable vehicle, and moved in) I start on the next. I am quitting smoking, I am going to improve my mom’s house step by step, and since I’m not paying rent I will save as much as I can to invest in this land.
But the week before Christmas, and three days before my birthday I find out my wife loves another man. Hurray for X-mas. I really don’t’ want X-mas to even come this year.
That’s my update. The next couple days will be returning a lot of applications, fixing my truck, clean the room out enough for me sleep in. I’ll have no photos, as I lost the camera, but I’ll try and update here. Perhaps this blog has turned into a how to, or how not to survive a life changing event?
Wish me luck, I need it.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

More black students punished than white, where to draw the line. (WIP)

Here in the great state of Illinois I live in, we are going to research why African American or black children get punished more often than white students in public school, and stop this. This stems from concern from a school district in the Chicago area.

I was a bit concerned when hearing this news. First of all this makes absolutely no sense. I researched a bit, a good thing to do before you begin any argument.

I found out the percentages of black adults in Chicago is (36.8%) to whites (31.3%) (City Data, 2008). Black families, even though more likely to be single parent households have an average of about 3 children, while white people have about the average of 2. (Social status and bearings, 2007).

So first of all we have more black children in the school districts, so more of them should be punished on average, that’s correlation. In Chicago the public schools contain a larger concentration of black children, while almost 10% of white students in the area attend private schools. (Educators Handbook, 2005). That increases the population of African Americans even more. If you have 15 rabbits, three gray, the rest tan. Which group gray, or tan would get the most time spent on them? The larger group of course, there is a direct correlation.

Away from the facts that larger base of black students means more of them will be punished due to population size. I heard a brief radio presentation on this, and some interesting comments. A teacher, I did not get the name or school district, but to paraphrase her “It’s not fair to punish them for what they can’t do.”

Evidently the minority teachers, as this teacher was, felt it wasn’t fair to hold black students to the same standards as white students. It is common knowledge that black families are more likely one parent, lower in SES standing, have a higher rate of abuse, and other difficulties that can make education harder, or even a second thought (Social Work Today, 2008).

But let’s look at that idea again. “It’s not fair to punish them for what they can’t do.” Is that a fair statement? Do some of the black kids have tough lives? Sure, but I bet some of the white kids do too. Is there a reason that black kids should be expected to do less for the same reward (education) as whites?

What this lady is saying is black kids can’t do as well as white kids.

What if I said that?

He can’t do it because he is black.

If I made that statement I’d be fired as a teacher, and declared a racist. Why the double standard? Do double standards really help?

If we ask the feminist movement they don’t. Look at the advances in women over the past few decades, the right to vote, work, the opportunity to be athletes, professionals, college educated, the right to be anything they can be.

But evidently we can’t ask the same of the black community, but they have to ask it of themselves, or else we are racist.

So It seems we need less discipline with black children in schools. The core belief seems to be it must be easier for blacks, or else it isn’t fair.
A harsh conclusion?

For years Chicago has tried public buses going to schools, offering scholarships for college to promising students, charting and re-charting to school districts to increase/decrease diversity. Look at national schools, American Educator, 2004) They now are trying to remove discipline.

I think this is a bad idea. It takes away teachers control of classroom, it doesn’t’ teach discipline, it reinforces bad behavior. But what could this lead to?

“At about 24 deaths a year, Chicago children
are being killed 24 times the rate that Chicago soldiers are being
killed in Iraq. Statistics from Military Genealogy Trails show that
during the five-year period between September 2001 and July 2006, six
soldiers from Chicago were killed in Iraq combat. In a startling
comparison, however, during an eight-year period between 1998 and 2007,
190 Chicago Public School children, mostly black, died in gun-related
incidents.” (Chicago loses more Black kids than soldiers in Iraq to gun violence, Now Public, 2007).

Whats wrong with teaching curricula, self respect, respect for others, disclpline, work ethic, and all the things that drive people to succed. I am not interested in being a fun paid babysitter that gives everyone gold stars. I am interested in teaching.